Peaceful, rustic and undisturbed lives

It has been about half a year since I boarded the airplane with utmost relief and ineffable joy to depart from Vientiane, Laos International Airport. Now in the midst of a hard-wrought schedule with "eventful" days and weeks and semesters rolling in like items on an assembly line, I can no longer deny the deepest visceral longing--secret though--for an otherworldly retreat to deliver me out of this meshwork of spinning confusion.

Though my departure from Vientiane was as exhilarating mentally as it is uncomfortable physically, which I will talk more about in future, my arrival was definitely breathtaking. It is hard to depict how it feels like when I was one of those passengers crammed in a budget airline for the first time along with other familiar faces with the sole aim of landing safely, and returning from the harsh, and definitely backbreaking volunteer work unscathed. We had several transitions in between, and I purposely ensured that I was wide awake when any plane took off. The sound of engines roaring, wheels trembling, wings lifting and the sense of defying gravity towards an unfathomable sky were too awe-inspiring to be missed. I particularly treasured the moment when our plane had to wait at the crossroad for the plane scheduled right ahead of us to take off. Watching the huge, streamlined bird gliding gracefully into the cloud and its signal lights blinkering intermittently until finally disappeared into whiteness elicited a rarely experienced feeling about "oblivion", of which we were fully aware that in another moment our carrier would become another dot disappearing into the whiteness, equally internalised by the sky and its embrace.

The transition is Malaysia was brief, yet for the first time in my life I walked into Starbuck along with other, and I ordered nothing since I forgot to change for Ringgit, and the "contingency exchange rate" offered by our suave teacher in-charge was too economically unfavourable. Still, I enjoyed a good time playing board games and smelling the brew of coffee from others' cups. Mosquitoes abound, even in McDonalds, so we remained mainly in air-conditioned areas. When finally we reported at the LCCT Airport, the news about our plane's delay instantaneously knocked us out. We were all so expectant of landing in Laos as soon as possible, to get out of the concrete building and away from all the artifice and luxuries in the duty-free shops.

Our wish was finally granted when a few hours later, peeking down from the small window of our airplane, we could see terraced land, meandering streams, houses with corrugated-roofs and people with shabby clothes draped on their body. Finally we were out of our world.

This new world was instantly to our delight. We were so dutifully acting as tourists when we took shots of everything we saw: English words "Welcome to Vieniane" with their gratifying effect on us non-Laotian speakers, customs officers wearing "army costumes" with stars and rungs on their shoulder pads, dogs crossing the roads, and the motorbikes.

Swim against the Tide

It has been more than one year and I still have the feeling that the phenix is yet to rise from the ashes. Many times I see people around me working harder, striving with fixed directions and bursting with exuberance and wonder when I can be like one of them, confident from within, the master of my soul. I keep my eyes on new hurdles and challenges emerging every so often, but the lethal drive for rebirth is not there. 

I am not completely my old self, the highly motivated and driven soul who acclaimed to the world at the end of every week:" Tomorrow, I will not be who I am today." I am improving in my tenacity and patience, although the result shows at such an alarmingly slow rate that my old motivated self finds unacceptable. I cannot escape the gloom of comparing with my peers, those who excel, who endeavour till the end, and those who keep reaching for the laurels. Being easily contented with my achievements is my foible. It hurts more when I see with my eyes that the reward for the humble is greater... 

One year to go before I can get admitted into my dream college, and it is a hard process to pinpoint my strengths, my passion and my uniqueness. I have always wanted to be unique, that is why I avoid the crowd and seek for experiences that distinguish my self from the masses. In Nan Hua, there is no match of me posed by the like of YC, but in Raffles, I have more than a healthy amount of matches who are driven, upbeat, and forward-looking. I sought alternative routes to define myself, becoming a Youth Ambassador, doing backbreaking volunteer work in Laos and Thailand, and tutoring kids in special needs schools. Maybe because I expect a lot from myself and thus face more setbacks when they do not materialise. 

The momentum for this year is really picking up. I can feel the heat burning inside every one of us. Being surrounded by geniuses is just one adaptation I am yet to accustomed to. Meanwhile, I should start finding my uniqueness that really distinguishes me as exceptional. Still waters run deep. Hopefully I can prove my mettle. 

Auspecium Melioris Aevi

Prayer for Deliverance from Enemies (Psalms 143)

Hear my prayer, O Lord;
Give ear to my supplications in your faithfulness;
Answer me in your righteousness.
Do not enter into judgement with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.

For the enemy has pursued me,
crushing my life to the ground, making me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
My heart within me is appalled.

I remember the days of old,
I think about all your deeds,
I meditate on the works of your hands.
I stretch out my hand to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O Lord,
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me,
or I shall be like those who go down to the Pit.
Let me hear your steadfast love in the morning,
for in you I put my trust.
Teach me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Save me, O Lord, from my enemies;
I have fled to you for refuge.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
Let your good spirit lead me
on a level path.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life.
In your righteouosness bring me out off my enemies,
and destroy all my adversaries,
for I am your servant.

Amen