When Joy becomes a Burden

Last week went past like a burning fire, so fast that when I looked again at my calendar, I was shocked to a certain degree. One is easy to be burdened with emptiness when one looks at his or her calendar, as if life has been wheeling away without any work being done. Every day has passed so painstakingly. Is it just an illusion? I hope so. Otherwise I cannot conjure up how to expound that busy and tired days can end up in emptiness.

For most of the last week, I was on appointments, here, there and everywhere. Outings are so pampering and torturing at the same time. I tried to savour the joy yet tasted only burden. Is it that I do not know how to cherish joy? Not really. Maybe it is habitual of highly realistic people to prioritise what they should prioritise and place "joy" at second fiddle when time is wheeling out. Fortunately and unfortunately, I am highly realistic. Thus pampering can become sort of torture.

Presently I am taking too many committments: writing the report for NHBT, searching information on the forum, composing and editting correspondent editorial, being the chief editor of a book by 402, 406 and 411, attending Maths remedials, and intensive English remedials. These official obligations are dotted with cluster outing, church services, reception of parents from China, training camp, birthday celebrations, class outing and a few farewell parties. I like all these----when I am in any of the events, but when the multitude begins to thin, when another day breaks, when piles of homework lies haphazardly on my desk, undone, I cannot curb the silent panic within.

I do not dread homework. Year in year out, homework no longer dominates my study life. Assignment does. I used to delight in getting the "instant shock" when I pack my bag and suddenly find out a piece of homework undone. My mum never spared me a frowning look when that happened, which I took, god forbidden, as a bemused grimace. Now she is not here to monitor me, but the "instant shock"never ends. Sometimes in the phone, I would tell her lightheartedly that tomorrow we have to hand in a report and I have not yet laid my hands on it. She always threatens to hang up, but never really does. She knows me well----if a piece of homework worths doing, I will definitely put in all my efforts to finish it; if it is not necessary or to my priority, I postpone it with reason. This, of course, is very arbitrary, but thank goodness I never let it slip through as an excuse of procrastinating.

My holidays are numbered, and I feel burdened and empty at the same time. I haven't wasted my time though----every day has been so exhaustedly spent that the moment I touch bed, I snore. I look back at my days and see that though it seems that I have done nothing much, my achievements are indeed creditable. I put my priority right, I am working bearing in mind my weaknesses and the "Rule of the Lowest Panel in a Wooden Pail". I am indeed making a dash, though in a rather relaxed way.

Three week more and a new term shall begin. What will it be like to walk towards the Closure Day? To wave goodbye those good, fond days in Nan Hua? To face yet another graduation with both anticipation and a sense of----pity.

I am not green in that...I am used to walking out of a school, a graduated student. I need to use the time left to make sure that, the next time I walk out of a school, I must be happy and content with what I have achieved, without pity or regret.

It is a noble aim~~maybe not an easy one after all.