At the Beginning of Something Wonderful

It is a new year. I was browsing through my posts in 2013 when it hit me that something never really changed. I have always thought that I have gone through a lot in this miraculously amazing year, especially the later half when school went into a whirlwind and days whizzed by. It indeed surprises me that despite many changes, my disposition, ambitions and beliefs remain the same as they were in the earlier days of 2013. 

Before the start of Year 2 I made it a point to do something different for every year I would spend in university (with my peculiar penchant for unpredictability and general loathing of monotony). Looking back, at least for this semester it has been a sea change from what I expected when I first entered into a law school. Maybe it is true that when we started off, uncertain in the sea of talents, grappling to find a place and a benchmark, everything seemed daunting and consequently, humbling. In Year 2, the majority of those highly intelligent beings have developed some sort of assurance and confidence in their daily conduct, studies and personal lives. I am content that at least I can say that I have fulfilled my promise to do something different. Some key events occurred prior to and during the first semester of Year 2 would include my church retreat to Malaysia in June, internship in June-July, getting more involved in student organisations and student governance, commitment to church ministry/service and having a somewhat more concrete plan for my early twenties through many of my daily musings. Among these some have left indelible marks and will impact way beyond 2014; others may not survive the circumstances to stay as signposts in my young life. Whichever way, I am glad that this journey has been made bearable and even pleasant under the auspices of our omnipotent God and the blessings He has put in my life.

The spiritual aspect of my life has drastically changed for the year. I started off seeking Him in a desperate attempt to find a lasting purpose in life and to become like those who have inspired me through their commitment to what they hold extremely dear to as their faiths. The religiosity of Iranians has struck me and aroused my desire to defend my own religion. It is the first time I thought that religion which used to be something so beyond my comprehension should never be brushed aside so lightly. I sacrificed many distractions from Lord's words on the Easter Day, something I thought it would be so hard, but God has made it easy eventually. Amidst all the struggles to give up those distractions, I am blessed with my forever doting family, sweet companionship of my Christian fellows, and the meaningful work that leads me to yet another journey of self-discovery and affirmation. 

I still remember when I took the flight back to my 10-sq-meter nest, unpacking for a new chapter which I was not sure where I would be taken to. Malleable as I was, I could easily be ensnared by thoughts and lifestyles of those around me. My first internship stupefied me. Many of us have interned in that firm and I would say what lessons to take out of that experience depend solely on individuals. Awakenings I garnered from that internship run deepest till now--even now I still learn through internships, but never so intensely and personally as through my first one. It was my first close encounter with litigation in practice, or more accurately, practice in a law firm with all the "backstage" preparations. I have watched (very intermittently) some courtroom dramas (The Devil's Advocate included, even though I found it too nerve-wrecking and soul-tainting that I stopped halfway), featuring almost inevitably wittiness, charisma, sassy and sexy whales sailing among swag douchebags who handle cases like trophies. Among many of my internships, my first one is surprisingly the closest approximation to those law firms in dramas. Mind-blowing is the word. 

It is extremely easy to go astray and become the person you once resented. I never really resented rich people. Wealth is might and wealth testifies your ability, or so as I always believe. I never grow up in a family in which I can take wealth for granted--maybe that is why when wealth somewhat becomes (in popular perception) an accompaniment for high-flying careers like those of law practitioners I start (for the first time in my life) to take it for granted. My first internship experience contributed to and later reinforced my preoccupation with wealth and status (which I now denounce), to be honest. Seeing young lawyers drive at tornado speeds in flashy sports cars (or what they call exotic cars), putting thick mascara on upward-curled eyelashes, stepping on potentially lethal stiletto heels and cursing (for males and only occasionally females) can be a corrupting experience, especially when you are the subordinates and are expected to demonstrate some of their "traits" to fit in the office, or the general ambience of it.

It is a very classy, well-furnished office with a stunning sea view. Some good attributes of highly capable people include that they are jack of all trades, both in work and in life. They know everything from interior design, luxury goods to property markets like the back of their palms. Of course, they are extremely savvy when it comes to knowing the law, their clients and their fellow lawyers practicing elsewhere. That amount of knowledge and savviness demonstrated in their daily communications can be instantly intimidating even to a generally thick-skinned person like me. 

Some lessons I have learnt the hard way, but these lessons I would take away with me for a lifetime maybe. Firstly, a lawyer is an officer of the court though he needs to act in the client's best interest. This is important to maintain not only the dignity of the profession, but also my inner peace as a moral being. I could foresee my underlying perception of justice leaking into my effort in defending a case. Sensitive (occasionally sentimental) to various facets of human conditions, I have to control my over-sympathetic inclinations to maintain a good professional standard. 

Secondly, a female lawyer needs the necessary (appropriate) disposition to be trusted and respected. It is generally harder for a female lawyer to inspire confidence, especially if she does not have an intimidating aura. Sassiness and advancement seem to have a positive linear correlation, curiously, so this may be the reason why I start to view those with the vibe as possessing a natural advantage. Only in my later internships when I see successful lawyers of all sizes and dispositions do I truly appreciate the "different styles" that make the world beautifully compatible. Still, it is a hard lesson learnt when I was spurned for being overly polite/considerate to clients. It seems that no lawyer can be a 'neighbourhood girl'; some veneer of dominance is needed, at least in professional life.

Overall, it is a very joyful experience to watch a case unfold, knowing that you are part of it in shaping its directions. Generally all internships have taught me to never never relinquish that urge to go for the extra mile because most cases are won due to that marginally extra effort. I should carry this spirit on even in the daily preparation of documents (it is usually tough when I have to balance quality, well-edited work with self-exacted deadlines). It is ALWAYS beneficial to have one more round of proof-reading before you click that 'send' button. These snippets of wisdom are the most rewarding experience garnered from my short internships. Legal work can be brushed up, knowledge can be gained, understanding can be trained, but some principles have to stay as constants in life.

This brings me back to my perception of wealth and status. For a while I took them for granted: lawyers should drive flashy sports cars, lawyers should invest in lavish properties, lawyers should not settle for anything that is second-best. These warped perceptions all seem so childish and ungodly now but they indeed leave a mark in my not-so-impressionable-anymore mind. 

What got me down from those "lofty" ideals include many things ranging from weekly Christian young adult sessions, my experiences in other firms (with lawyers decently rich but not extravagantly flashy) and most importantly, reality. The cost of living here is high and even though the market for resale flats is cooling down, owning a car (even a non-exotic one) demands sacrifices of so many other essentials. The opportunity cost of getting a co-rented home is also extremely high (till now I still deeply resent the idea of renting--like sending streams of money into a bottomless pit with no returns). I feel thankful that I am at peace with these now with the conviction that God will provide. He always provides in our weakest so there is no need to shoulder the burden of surviving now, despite my entrenched pragmatic mindset.

On another note, I am glad to be able to walk faithfully even though at times I do falter. When I thought that my grades were not reflective of my efforts, when I felt impatient, when I was envious of others, I pondered over those undelivered promises: why is He not responding to my prayers? Fortunately, He does put a silver lining in every of my depressing circumstances; more fortunately, He makes me see it. He makes me wait for the right time as dictated by Him and Him alone and never tire in following Him.

I have always relied on God in my personal relationships. After a huge void was created in the start of last year, I let Him take the space. There are times He demanded a sacrifice. The first time, I willingly sacrificed to focus on Him and Him alone when I am in His palace. The second time, I was blessed with a soft landing and reaped a fellowship of a lifetime. The third time, I could not let go just yet. But not for very long. He has dictated the moment through one of the sermons on the book of Joshua, I shall follow faithfully, wait patiently before the moment comes and heed His advice by believing that He alone provides.

Through God, amazing grace has happened to me in this eventful 2013. I cannot thank enough at this moment despite many regrets. What I have reaped is a really beautiful chapter that I do not want to trade for anything else. Most importantly, I have the energy and will to live the best out of my early twenties, to take more risks and explore, be wild and be in control, be full of joy and full of peace.