What complicated existential questions! All because of the cutting coldness, boring into my innermost conscience and desires, teasing out all that energizes me and drives me on, and all that has got away.
How far can I live without my ambition? Not far. Really not far. I used to think that by living not on my own but for others, I could be less competitive, but no. I hate uncertainty, dragginess, unpreparedness and lethargy. Being ambitious would be a far cry from being anxious, and I do exactly everything I need to do to prevent me from declining into the anxious state. I thrive in happy endings, but also in adversities. I always hope I could handle adversities better. Right now I am learning how not to be hurt by my emotions, dedications and potential sense of loss for time and energy invested for my future life, which, like all times, does not depend on my effort alone.
That is diffident thinking at root. If we are so sure and optimistic about where we want life to take us, we do not need all the hedging and guessing, settling and worrying. We need a defence mechanism exactly because we do not want to lose control. Being in control of my internal self has never been so urgent a task I need to master.
I looked back to the old days occasionally, trying to find my source of ease and comfort. Indeed, I would not be so at ease with my then state of existence given what I know of now, but back then, I felt sheer joy, assurance and affirmation, coming from an unspeakable yet life-affirming source, that led me on to where I want to go.
My first love shattered that ambition a bit, as I learnt to live for two not one, learnt to adapt and reinvent myself, to explore my own boundaries, tolerance level, and threshold for pain and joy. My love for myself is so strong. It becomes my guiding beacon. In fact, I do agree with what a friend once told me: there cannot be completely selfless people--we all want something in return, for the effort we arduously spend, and for thoughts we inject life and wisdom to. We, ultimately, love others as we love ourselves.
In "To Youth", a movie I watched 3 times, there are all kinds people, especially the one from my habitat. I used to indulge in an artistic world; sensuality and deep, intense emotions make me tick, drunk and stupefied. It was an unparalleled degree of joy, satisfaction and warmth. It was the most formative times of my life regarding my emotional growth. I was sprouting, trained and tested, failed and tried again.
Then came the intellectual thrust. Away from the artistic world of extreme sensuality, I delight in exertion of logic and reasoning. I calculate, speculate, imagine and paint a picture I only slowly grow to see the pointlessness. I read, took in proses and words profusely that echoed with my yearnings, doubts and resignations. Words provide greatest comfort and avenue for escapism. I absorb all of it, rationalizing, imagining, leaving dormant my inner passion that characterises me in my early adulthood.
Controlling commands I am used to, opinion less gentle-lovingness I am allured to. Precise logic and intellect I chase after, and finally, one of a kind, I plunged into companionship on a purely emotional level, one fueled by expectations and only expectations.
If hormonal effect can be both short-lived and long-lived, I hope this feeling will run deep beyond its seeming superficiality. I want a sense of warmth and intimacy to stoke it, mutual appreciation and understanding to fortify it, and ultimately, true appreciation comes from connectedness on a spiritual level--one that I always fall back to when everything seems to work out fine.
I look into my heart and ponders how God would examine me and I am, still, disappointed with certain things that are part of me. I almost, almost lose focus on him, thinking I can make it all, exhibiting to the world an abundant life, sacrificing Him for other ephemeral beings. How can I do that? How can I forsake the Father who never forsaked me in the most trying of times?
In His arms I find true rest, eternal rest that nowhere else can give me. It is a loving partnership that will never part, one promise that will never fail, and one relationship that never breaks. God my shepherd, enlighten me, instil a part of yourself to me so I may be like you, offering my life to you as a living sacrifice. Please O Lord, reign over me and take control. I let myself be controlled by you so in you I find eternal joy and peace forever and ever.
We least need God when we are happy and contented. Now I am grateful that I am both, and I still need God to work greater wonders.
RSS Feed (xml)
