Presumptions

Our presumptions are our worst enemies.  They lured us into our comfort zones of thinking and then gave a snapping bite, closing their jaws on the soft-most part of your flesh and snatch part of it away. So comfortable for us to take something for granted so that we were taken aback when things did not go as planned. Things totally spiralled out of control.

Getting people into those presumptions is a tempting but dangerous thing to do. 

Everytime I visited here I read a bit about the past. Some things gel; some things don't. Some things seriously changed; some things do not. It is the thing that has changed giving the most possibilities--and defying all old presumptions forged, unconsciously. 

It is one post I do not want to talk about myself. As all deeply intense and emotional beings, we are all melancholic and happy at the same time. Absolute joy  always overflows into tears of sorrow, or as I have been told. I am fortunate to explore part of me and let the other part of me gradually unfold. I need to purify the inside and work on being like my master who has all sovereignty over me. 

I need to work on being part of a whole, the great feminine gift of giving, caring and complementing. To drive away my old presumptions and let new life take form.

The world is a place full of non-grown-ups. It still will be. And we need to keep revamping, loving, caring and giving the best to the most deserved.

Existence

Chicago's temperature dropped to 6 degrees in a drastic change of two days. Today I did not take the bus back like usual, but chose to walk in the drizzling rain, thinking about where I came from and where I am heading to. 

What complicated existential questions! All because of the cutting coldness, boring into my innermost conscience and desires, teasing out all that energizes me and drives me on, and all that has got away.

How far can I live without my ambition? Not far. Really not far. I used to think that by living not on my own but for others, I could be less competitive, but no. I hate uncertainty, dragginess, unpreparedness and lethargy. Being ambitious would be a far cry from being anxious, and I do exactly everything I need to do to prevent me from declining into the anxious state. I thrive in happy endings, but also in adversities. I always hope I could handle adversities better. Right now I am learning how not to be hurt by my emotions, dedications and potential sense of loss for time and energy invested for my future life, which, like all times, does not depend on my effort alone. 

That is diffident thinking at root. If we are so sure and optimistic about where we want life to take us, we do not need all the hedging and guessing, settling and worrying. We need a defence mechanism exactly because we do not want to lose control. Being in control of my internal self has never been so urgent a task I need to master.

I looked back to the old days occasionally, trying to find my source of ease and comfort. Indeed, I would not be so at ease with my then state of existence given what I know of now, but back then, I felt sheer joy, assurance and affirmation, coming from an unspeakable yet life-affirming source, that led me on to where I want to go.

My first love shattered that ambition a bit, as I learnt to live for two not one, learnt to  adapt and reinvent myself, to explore my own boundaries, tolerance level, and threshold for pain and joy. My love for myself is so strong. It becomes my guiding beacon. In fact, I do agree with what a friend once told me: there cannot be completely selfless people--we all want something in return, for the effort we arduously spend, and for thoughts we inject life and wisdom to. We, ultimately, love others as we love ourselves.

In "To Youth", a movie I watched 3 times, there are all kinds people, especially the one from my habitat. I used to indulge in an artistic world; sensuality and deep, intense emotions make me tick, drunk and stupefied. It was an unparalleled degree of joy, satisfaction and warmth. It was the most formative times of my life regarding my emotional growth. I was sprouting, trained and tested, failed and tried again.

Then came the intellectual thrust. Away from the artistic world of extreme sensuality, I delight in exertion of logic and reasoning. I calculate, speculate, imagine and paint a picture I only slowly grow to see the pointlessness. I read, took in proses and words profusely that echoed with my yearnings, doubts and resignations. Words provide greatest comfort and avenue for escapism. I absorb all of it, rationalizing, imagining, leaving dormant my inner passion that characterises me in my early adulthood.

Controlling commands I am used to, opinion less gentle-lovingness I am allured to. Precise logic and intellect I chase after, and finally, one of a kind, I plunged into companionship on a purely emotional level, one fueled by expectations and only expectations.

If hormonal effect can be both short-lived and long-lived, I hope this feeling will run deep beyond its seeming superficiality. I want a sense of warmth and intimacy to stoke it, mutual appreciation and understanding to fortify it, and ultimately, true appreciation comes from connectedness on a spiritual level--one that I always fall back to when everything seems to work out fine.

I look into my heart and ponders how God would examine me and I am, still, disappointed with certain things that are part of me. I almost, almost lose focus on him, thinking I can make it all, exhibiting to the world an abundant life, sacrificing Him for other ephemeral beings. How can I do that? How can I forsake the Father who never forsaked me in the most trying of times?

In His arms I find true rest, eternal rest that nowhere else can give me. It is a loving partnership that will never part, one promise that will never fail, and one relationship that never breaks. God my shepherd, enlighten me, instil a part of yourself to me so I may be like you, offering my life to you as a living sacrifice. Please O Lord, reign over me and take control. I let myself be controlled by you so in you I find eternal joy and peace forever and ever.

We least need God when we are happy and contented. Now I am grateful that I am both, and I still need God to work greater wonders.

US Impression

It has been about a week since I landed on this land, a land deemed to have so much magic and one that is able to take upon itself many dreams for people from all over the world. It is a state of freedom, openness and hope. I am lucky to be blessed with a Christian community almost immediately to put me at ease spiritually. Given my google-map experiences before I left, I could gain familiarity of my surroundings pretty fast. 

It is amazing to have the help from a fellow Christian studying at UIC. He has been in Chicago for 9 years and knows it like the back of his palm. These friends would open share their feelings about the infrastructure, the 100-year buildings, seemingly rackety subway, closed expressways, snow lanes etc. They were also very welcoming to bring us around, for worship gatherings, parties or just sharing a few good Christian books or radio stations. As he drove along from O Hare airport and I munched on a burger, he regaled me with stories about the dangerous "south side", differentiating treatments of cars with plates from different states, pastimes of teens in public schools and his spartan, windowless campus which, according to him, could pass off as a concentration camp with a few dogs and wire barbs.

For the first few days of settling down, I have been busy with getting to know breakfast places. I tried as much as possible traveling on foot. It's good exercise, especially when the wind is brisk. I got a Chicago Tribune but only took the cover stack, much to the amusement of the Walgreen shop assistant. He kindly let me know ppl usually buy it for the coupons. As I read the local news, including a school girl being shot in Englewood neighborhood, I was once again reminded of the possibly hostile place I was in. I felt good to be alive, safe and sound. Nothing is to be taken for granted.

I walked north to Laselle and then took bus to the Moody church on Sunday. It is a grand building for a mega church. The combined worship is electrifying, with hymns and songs oldish and solemn, much to my liking. It's nothing like the mega churches in Singapore which feature more popular worship songs. The sermon is passionate. I took a few fliers and talked to a Sunday school teacher from Philippines who was very proud of being a "happy" Christian. She had a bit problem with hearing but I could hear her well.

The air and water show ended prematurely due to the foggy weather. It was cooling to walk along the Lake Shore with my future roommate. She is mature for her age and has a lot of hope for future. US for her is not a short stint only and she has been open minded enough to visit around, go for activities. Within 3 weekends of knowing about Christianity she told me that she has scheduled to be baptized. 

She knows a lot about living in cold weather apparently. She thinks in winter the weather will be dry so an air moisturizer is needed. She also recommended a water filtration machine to make ready-to-drink pure water. She has been stocking up on skin products and heating pads as well. I really appreciate her help.

I could walk to and fro school quite easily on my own, without the need to take the bus. It's a pleasant walk along Chicago avenue, with nice shops, buildings (like old fire station, dental centre, Feinburg School of Medicine etc). I love the school from all sides. It has a very open concept, though due to renovation I could not access certain places. Seniors have donated books they no longer need to juniors. I managed to get something on securities regulation. I visited the 4-storey library one day. It is also called Pritzer Law Research Centre. The librarians are NW law students and they have been warm and helpful. Notamy seats were occupied, probably because it is still holiday. The lighting is not famtastic but the long opening hours kind of make up for it.

For the last two days I have been surviving on fruits, breads, muffins, salad dressing and luncheon meat. Not feeling like going out, I spend more time in my room with my loved ones and settling stuff like terminating my phone service back home, applying for ISO insurance plan and submitting my course list. I feel life is getting on well. I am not a tourist, so I have the luxury of time to know this place at my pace. I am blessed with this Gold Coast neighborhood, it's night life. I have not found it distracting yet. It's very suitable for longer-term stay.

I have tries to shop a bit. The shops are similar to what we have elsewhere, H&M, Forever 21, TopMan. I would try to find out more about it's consumer culture.

Arts-wise, there are many museums I want to go! I will apply for a library card once my student pass is ready, with which I can visit museums, aquarium and music halls at a better fare.

At the Beginning of Something Wonderful

It is a new year. I was browsing through my posts in 2013 when it hit me that something never really changed. I have always thought that I have gone through a lot in this miraculously amazing year, especially the later half when school went into a whirlwind and days whizzed by. It indeed surprises me that despite many changes, my disposition, ambitions and beliefs remain the same as they were in the earlier days of 2013. 

Before the start of Year 2 I made it a point to do something different for every year I would spend in university (with my peculiar penchant for unpredictability and general loathing of monotony). Looking back, at least for this semester it has been a sea change from what I expected when I first entered into a law school. Maybe it is true that when we started off, uncertain in the sea of talents, grappling to find a place and a benchmark, everything seemed daunting and consequently, humbling. In Year 2, the majority of those highly intelligent beings have developed some sort of assurance and confidence in their daily conduct, studies and personal lives. I am content that at least I can say that I have fulfilled my promise to do something different. Some key events occurred prior to and during the first semester of Year 2 would include my church retreat to Malaysia in June, internship in June-July, getting more involved in student organisations and student governance, commitment to church ministry/service and having a somewhat more concrete plan for my early twenties through many of my daily musings. Among these some have left indelible marks and will impact way beyond 2014; others may not survive the circumstances to stay as signposts in my young life. Whichever way, I am glad that this journey has been made bearable and even pleasant under the auspices of our omnipotent God and the blessings He has put in my life.

The spiritual aspect of my life has drastically changed for the year. I started off seeking Him in a desperate attempt to find a lasting purpose in life and to become like those who have inspired me through their commitment to what they hold extremely dear to as their faiths. The religiosity of Iranians has struck me and aroused my desire to defend my own religion. It is the first time I thought that religion which used to be something so beyond my comprehension should never be brushed aside so lightly. I sacrificed many distractions from Lord's words on the Easter Day, something I thought it would be so hard, but God has made it easy eventually. Amidst all the struggles to give up those distractions, I am blessed with my forever doting family, sweet companionship of my Christian fellows, and the meaningful work that leads me to yet another journey of self-discovery and affirmation. 

I still remember when I took the flight back to my 10-sq-meter nest, unpacking for a new chapter which I was not sure where I would be taken to. Malleable as I was, I could easily be ensnared by thoughts and lifestyles of those around me. My first internship stupefied me. Many of us have interned in that firm and I would say what lessons to take out of that experience depend solely on individuals. Awakenings I garnered from that internship run deepest till now--even now I still learn through internships, but never so intensely and personally as through my first one. It was my first close encounter with litigation in practice, or more accurately, practice in a law firm with all the "backstage" preparations. I have watched (very intermittently) some courtroom dramas (The Devil's Advocate included, even though I found it too nerve-wrecking and soul-tainting that I stopped halfway), featuring almost inevitably wittiness, charisma, sassy and sexy whales sailing among swag douchebags who handle cases like trophies. Among many of my internships, my first one is surprisingly the closest approximation to those law firms in dramas. Mind-blowing is the word. 

It is extremely easy to go astray and become the person you once resented. I never really resented rich people. Wealth is might and wealth testifies your ability, or so as I always believe. I never grow up in a family in which I can take wealth for granted--maybe that is why when wealth somewhat becomes (in popular perception) an accompaniment for high-flying careers like those of law practitioners I start (for the first time in my life) to take it for granted. My first internship experience contributed to and later reinforced my preoccupation with wealth and status (which I now denounce), to be honest. Seeing young lawyers drive at tornado speeds in flashy sports cars (or what they call exotic cars), putting thick mascara on upward-curled eyelashes, stepping on potentially lethal stiletto heels and cursing (for males and only occasionally females) can be a corrupting experience, especially when you are the subordinates and are expected to demonstrate some of their "traits" to fit in the office, or the general ambience of it.

It is a very classy, well-furnished office with a stunning sea view. Some good attributes of highly capable people include that they are jack of all trades, both in work and in life. They know everything from interior design, luxury goods to property markets like the back of their palms. Of course, they are extremely savvy when it comes to knowing the law, their clients and their fellow lawyers practicing elsewhere. That amount of knowledge and savviness demonstrated in their daily communications can be instantly intimidating even to a generally thick-skinned person like me. 

Some lessons I have learnt the hard way, but these lessons I would take away with me for a lifetime maybe. Firstly, a lawyer is an officer of the court though he needs to act in the client's best interest. This is important to maintain not only the dignity of the profession, but also my inner peace as a moral being. I could foresee my underlying perception of justice leaking into my effort in defending a case. Sensitive (occasionally sentimental) to various facets of human conditions, I have to control my over-sympathetic inclinations to maintain a good professional standard. 

Secondly, a female lawyer needs the necessary (appropriate) disposition to be trusted and respected. It is generally harder for a female lawyer to inspire confidence, especially if she does not have an intimidating aura. Sassiness and advancement seem to have a positive linear correlation, curiously, so this may be the reason why I start to view those with the vibe as possessing a natural advantage. Only in my later internships when I see successful lawyers of all sizes and dispositions do I truly appreciate the "different styles" that make the world beautifully compatible. Still, it is a hard lesson learnt when I was spurned for being overly polite/considerate to clients. It seems that no lawyer can be a 'neighbourhood girl'; some veneer of dominance is needed, at least in professional life.

Overall, it is a very joyful experience to watch a case unfold, knowing that you are part of it in shaping its directions. Generally all internships have taught me to never never relinquish that urge to go for the extra mile because most cases are won due to that marginally extra effort. I should carry this spirit on even in the daily preparation of documents (it is usually tough when I have to balance quality, well-edited work with self-exacted deadlines). It is ALWAYS beneficial to have one more round of proof-reading before you click that 'send' button. These snippets of wisdom are the most rewarding experience garnered from my short internships. Legal work can be brushed up, knowledge can be gained, understanding can be trained, but some principles have to stay as constants in life.

This brings me back to my perception of wealth and status. For a while I took them for granted: lawyers should drive flashy sports cars, lawyers should invest in lavish properties, lawyers should not settle for anything that is second-best. These warped perceptions all seem so childish and ungodly now but they indeed leave a mark in my not-so-impressionable-anymore mind. 

What got me down from those "lofty" ideals include many things ranging from weekly Christian young adult sessions, my experiences in other firms (with lawyers decently rich but not extravagantly flashy) and most importantly, reality. The cost of living here is high and even though the market for resale flats is cooling down, owning a car (even a non-exotic one) demands sacrifices of so many other essentials. The opportunity cost of getting a co-rented home is also extremely high (till now I still deeply resent the idea of renting--like sending streams of money into a bottomless pit with no returns). I feel thankful that I am at peace with these now with the conviction that God will provide. He always provides in our weakest so there is no need to shoulder the burden of surviving now, despite my entrenched pragmatic mindset.

On another note, I am glad to be able to walk faithfully even though at times I do falter. When I thought that my grades were not reflective of my efforts, when I felt impatient, when I was envious of others, I pondered over those undelivered promises: why is He not responding to my prayers? Fortunately, He does put a silver lining in every of my depressing circumstances; more fortunately, He makes me see it. He makes me wait for the right time as dictated by Him and Him alone and never tire in following Him.

I have always relied on God in my personal relationships. After a huge void was created in the start of last year, I let Him take the space. There are times He demanded a sacrifice. The first time, I willingly sacrificed to focus on Him and Him alone when I am in His palace. The second time, I was blessed with a soft landing and reaped a fellowship of a lifetime. The third time, I could not let go just yet. But not for very long. He has dictated the moment through one of the sermons on the book of Joshua, I shall follow faithfully, wait patiently before the moment comes and heed His advice by believing that He alone provides.

Through God, amazing grace has happened to me in this eventful 2013. I cannot thank enough at this moment despite many regrets. What I have reaped is a really beautiful chapter that I do not want to trade for anything else. Most importantly, I have the energy and will to live the best out of my early twenties, to take more risks and explore, be wild and be in control, be full of joy and full of peace.